By Elaine Collins, Registered Psychologist
Brain Training Australia – CBT for Adult ADHD Program
Summary: If you’re an adult with ADHD, chances are you’ve struggled with emotional overwhelm, misunderstood reactions, or repeating the same frustrating relationship patterns. This article introduces the five core components of emotional intelligence (EQ) and explains why they’re essential for emotional regulation, boundary-setting, and building healthy self-worth—especially if you live with ADHD.
By the end of this article, you’ll have ADHD-friendly tools and reflection prompts to help you improve your EQ and break free from patterns that no longer serve you.
💡 What Is Emotional Intelligence?
Emotional intelligence refers to the capacity to understand, regulate, and express emotions in a constructive way. For adults with ADHD, who often face challenges like emotional dysregulation, impulsivity, rejection sensitivity, and people-pleasing, building EQ is a powerful way to reclaim control over your emotional life (Martinez & Tsalas, 2018; Ramsay & Rostain, 2015).
Let’s explore the five core areas of EQ—and how you can develop them.
1. 🔍 Self-Awareness
Definition: The ability to recognise and understand your own emotions, emotional triggers, and patterns of behaviour.
Why It Matters for ADHD Adults:
If you’ve ever felt like you’re reacting on autopilot, or constantly wondering why you feel so much—it’s because ADHD can make emotional experiences more intense (Barkley, 2015). Self-awareness helps you slow down and catch yourself before falling into old patterns of people-pleasing, emotional outbursts, or self-blame.
How to Practise:
Journal your emotions 2–3 times a day: “What am I feeling? Why?”
Label emotions accurately: e.g., disappointed, ashamed, hopeful instead of just good or bad.
Reflect on moments of activation and what was underneath.
Prompts:
What do I usually feel when someone tries to control me?
When do I feel powerless or overly responsible?
2. 🧘 Self-Regulation
Definition: The ability to manage emotional impulses and choose thoughtful responses instead of knee-jerk reactions.
Why It Matters:
ADHD often involves difficulties with impulse control and frustration tolerance (Brown, 2013). Emotional regulation helps prevent guilt-driven compliance or angry outbursts that lead to regret and shame.
How to Practise:
Pause when triggered: say, “I’ll get back to you on that.”
Use grounding tools: breathwork, 5-4-3-2-1, cold water, or movement.
Sit with discomfort without fixing or escaping it.
Prompts:
How do I soothe myself when I feel disrespected?
What does it feel like to let someone be upset without fixing it?
3. 🎯 Motivation (Intrinsic)
Definition: Using your inner values—not external validation—to guide your choices.
Why It Matters:
Adults with ADHD often seek approval through being overly agreeable or helpful, which can lead to burnout (Rosenberg, 2015). Intrinsic motivation helps you reconnect with who you are and what you stand for.
How to Practise:
Identify your top 5 values: e.g., growth, honesty, autonomy, fairness, compassion.
Set goals that reflect your values, not what others expect.
Track your progress in a “values-in-action” journal.
Prompts:
Who am I when no one’s watching?
What part of me is trying to grow—and what do I need to let go of?
4. ❤️ Empathy
Definition: The ability to understand what someone else is feeling and respond with care—without absorbing or rescuing.
Why It Matters:
ADHD adults can struggle with over-empathy, feeling overly responsible for others’ emotions and boundaries (Craig, 2005). Healthy empathy includes limits.
How to Practise:
Perspective-taking: “What might they be feeling?”
Boundary empathy: Care without over-carrying.
Spot red flags: Guilt trips, “you’re the only one who can help,” or subtle manipulation.
Prompts:
Am I feeling empathy, or am I rescuing to avoid conflict?
Is this person asking for connection—or control?
5. 🗣️ Social Skills
Definition: The ability to communicate clearly, set boundaries, and manage interpersonal dynamics with confidence.
Why It Matters:
This is where your internal EQ becomes visible to others. ADHD adults may fear conflict or worry they’ll “mess up” social interactions (Martinez & Tsalas, 2018). Practising social skills increases emotional safety and mutual respect.
How to Practise:
Start with small “no’s” to build confidence.
Use “I” statements: “I feel uncomfortable when…”
Prepare boundary phrases like:
“That doesn’t sit right with me.”
“Let’s revisit this when I’ve had time to think.”
Prompts:
What kind of relationships am I building—ones based on truth or fear?
How does it feel when I express myself honestly?
✅ Optional Weekly EQ Practice Plan
| Day | Focus Area | Practice Example |
|---|---|---|
| Mon | Self-Awareness | Journal 3 emotions you felt today and what triggered them |
| Tue | Self-Regulation | Use a grounding technique when something upsets you |
| Wed | Motivation | Reflect on one values-aligned decision you made |
| Thu | Empathy | Listen to someone without fixing or rescuing |
| Fri | Social Skills | Set or uphold one small boundary |
| Sat | Integration | What worked this week? What felt hard? |
| Sun | Rest & Reset | Self-care, reflection, and reset your intention |
🎓 Want More Support?
Emotional intelligence isn’t just a concept—it’s a skillset you can build. And you don’t have to do it alone.
Our self-paced CBT for Adult ADHD Program is designed with the ADHD brain in mind. It provides:
Easy-to-follow, bite-sized modules
Workbooks including worksheets and reflection prompts like those in this article.
Practical tools to improve emotional regulation, self-worth, boundaries, and resilience
👉 Enrol in the CBT for Adult ADHD Program and start applying these strategies today.
References
Barkley, R. A. (2015). Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder: A handbook for diagnosis and treatment (4th ed.). Guilford Press.
Brown, T. E. (2013). A new understanding of ADHD in children and adults: Executive function impairments. Routledge.
Craig, R. J. (2005). Emotionally immature parents: How to heal from distant, rejecting, or self-involved parents. New Harbinger Publications.
Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ. Bantam Books.
Martinez, R. J., & Tsalas, J. (2018). Emotional intelligence and adult ADHD: A review of current research and implications for treatment. Journal of Attention Disorders, 22(3), 227–234. https://doi.org/10.1177/1087054716685841
Ramsay, J. R., & Rostain, A. L. (2015). The adult ADHD toolkit: Using CBT to facilitate coping inside and out. Routledge.
Rosenberg, M. (2015). Nonviolent communication: A language of life (3rd ed.). PuddleDancer Press.
Article keywords:
emotional intelligence and ADHD, ADHD self-awareness, emotional regulation ADHD, ADHD motivation, ADHD empathy, ADHD social skills, CBT for adult ADHD, adult ADHD blog, ADHD boundary setting, ADHD relationship strategies
